I will never forget the night I found out I was pregnant with Aubrey. I was at work and I started feeling very queasy. I work in a hospital and knew pregnancy was a possibility so I had the lab run a blood test. I was so excited when it came back positive.

It was close to midnight but we called friends from work and woke them up. It was one big party. Everyone was hugging me and we were all laughing. It was such a joyous time. I came home and told my husband and children and more celebrating was done. How I wish that I could go back to those times of joy.

Things went fairly well with my pregnancy. I had morning sickness-well actually, morning, noon and night sickness, but I thought that meant that my hormone levels were high and that things were ok. I had also read that it was a sign that you were having a girl which was wonderful to me. I really wanted my daughter Marissa to have a sister.

When I reached 19 1/2 weeks I had my first ultrasound done. The excitement and joy of seeing my baby for that first time will never be replaced. She looked perfect- but only to me. The technician said that she was only measuring 16 1/2 weeks. I was told that I needed to see a perinatologist because of this but not to worry that it could be because I had been so sick and still was experiencing some morning sickness.

I was scheduled for one month later with the perinatologist. We needed to give the baby time to grow to see if she would catch up which is why the appointment was so far away. I tried not to worry but that is easier said than done.

On January 9, 2001, my world began to fall apart. We met with the perinatologist and he told us that things did not look good. He couldn't see definite kidneys on the baby, her fluid levels were low and the placenta was enlarged. He told us then that she had some of the soft markers for genetic problems and that with the lack of kidney development and low fluid, he didn't expect the baby to live. I was devastated. He then did an amnio to determine exactly what the problem was and sent us home to wait. That was a long two weeks. We immediately started praying and had everyone we could think of praying also.

Monday, January 22, the perinatologist called with more devastating news. Our baby was a little girl and she had Down Syndrome. Now this was not a problem for us- her parents and family- but it was a huge problem for her. That is why her kidneys didn't develop fully and why the placenta was enlarged. The perinatologist informed me then that this was a very serious syndrome and that 75-80% of the pregnancies concieved with DS would not result in a live birth. I had no idea. I thought that Down Syndrome babies were born all the time. I was wrong.

He then told me that he only expected my baby to live another week or two.He asked us if we had considered how we wanted to "handle things". I knew he was referring to termination and I explained to him that we intended to let God "handle things". I wanted whatever time he granted me with my baby. I didn't know how I was going to do it. How could I fit in a lifetime in two weeks? How was I going to be able to let go of my precious baby? All I can say about it now is that God is awesome and his strength is what carries me through.

My sweet beautiful angel had other plans in mind. She held on for another 7 weeks surprising everyone but her momma. I cherished the time I had with her. I relished every movement and kick and I continued to pray for a miracle.On March 3, 2001 my little girl gave up her fight and went to heaven. The miracle I prayed for was not to be but God in his mercy gave me another one.

The day that Aubrey was born it was raining and gloomy. The skies were dark and cloudy and it was thundering and lightning all day. On the way to the hospital I whispered a silent prayer to God that if it were still raining when she was born would he please let the sun shine so I would know that she had arrived safely to him.

Then I immediately thought- God I know she is with you already and I am sorry for the lack of faith-please ignore that last prayer and I said nothing about it to anyone. When Aubrey was born it was still raining pretty hard. I was so in tuned to seeing and holding her that I payed attention to nothing else. My mom who was there, all of a sudden said, "Look Shelly the sun is shining through the rain".

I started to cry and told everyone about my prayer that morning and then I thanked God for his comfort and for the time he gave me with my baby. He is just so awesome. He has carried me through what has been the hardest time of my life and I don't know how I would do it without him. I also know that he is holding my precious baby for me until she and I are together again. Sleep well my precious angel-Mommy and Daddy love you.