Our journey began after Christmas of 2003. My husband, Doran, and I, after 5 years of infertility had 4 kids. Joe-10, Abby-8, Jake-6, and our baby, Pete-4. We had also experienced a miscarrage in this mix. We were happy with having 4 kids and considered our family complete. God had other plans for us! We were not very happy to find out that I was pregnant again. In fact, I was VERY unhappy about being pregnant. I was finally back out into the workfield in a part time job I loved. Pete would be going to Kindergarten in the fall and that would finally give me some says to myself!!! Something that I had been looking foreward to for a LONG TIME! That, of course, was all going to change. Our kids were estatic with the news though. Abby had been praying for 3 years for a sister as she was sick of only having "stinky" brothers. I was suprised at how glad the boys were with the news. To make a long story short Doran and I got not only used to the idea of a new baby but excited also. We decided that God's joke was on us.

The end of March I went in for an AFP screening. I didn't really want to have this done since I had a false positive result with Abby's pregnancy but I was too tired to fight the system. A few days later I recieved a call from my doctor saying the results were abnormal. He wanted to do a level 2 ultrasound in 4 days. I was not letting myself get worried as I had already had a false positive once. I even told Doran that he didn't need to come to the ultrasound as it was just routine. Monday, March 31, 03 I got dressed for work and headed in for my ultrasound. I planned to leave the hospital and go diretly to work. Doran met me at the hospital. He wouldn't listen to me about not coming. The doctor was late due to a delivery so the tech started without her. We saw a normal heart and limbs. The baby was moving. See I told you there was nothing to worry about. The doctor walked in and said. Your baby has anencephaly. The brain never formed. My world stopped. I asked, "Is that fatal?" "Yes, 100% terminal". I can't describe the horrible pain.

We were given the choice of terminating. I still didn't understand. Show me a door so I can get out of this nightmare. Anything to get out of it. I asked my doctor if he could do the termination. He said no and gave me the name of a doctor that could. "But that doctor is an abortion doctor." I don't believe in abortions, I am prolife. I am Catholic. Well, in this case it is different the doctor said. He is Catholic too and in cases like this.... "I need to hold my baby. I won't be able to if I have a D&C." He said that we could induce labor but would need to inject the baby's heart and stop it before inducing. We had a few weeks to decide before the law says we can't terminate.

I drove home crying, I couldn't get a grasp on this. Of course, I was in shock. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed. Please God, give me a sign. I don't know what to do! Help me! What do I tell my kids? How can they go through either choice. How can I ask them to see me pregnant knowing that their baby would die? I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH to carry this baby. How can I consent to end this baby's life? Is it up to me or God? Can I live with myself if I take this into my own hands? WHY? WHY GOD?

I had to get the kids from school. I drove by a church with a daily message board outside. Today the message read "Regret looks back, Faith looks up". I knew then that I was fooling myself if I thought I could live with terminating. I never thought God would take me quite so literally when I asked for a sign.

We told the kids the truth, that this baby could die at any time but it would surely die. They were devestated. I told their teachers and their friend's parents what was going on. They had alot of support at school and our baby's dying was freely talked about with the whole school. I consulted a counseler on how this would affect our kids. I talked to my priest also. Everyone said they would support our decision no matter what it was. What a relief not to be pushed. Doran asked what we would do if we didn't know? If we had never had the tests? Of course we would have carried to term. The regret saying kept going through my head and I made the decision. "Thy will be done." Peace decended over me and through me. The worst was over. We would carry to term and give this child the same love we gave to it's brothers and sister.

Carrying to term was not easy. Some days I had to go hour by hour, minute by minute. I prayed constantly for strength and God sent His. I was carrying this baby but God carried me. I suffered ingnorant comments from those who didn't know, from the well meaning and from those that just didn't understand. Each movement from this baby was another memory, another joy. We went to a funeral home and made arrangements, we picked out burial plots and I made a birth plan. We wanted to be ready and we wanted our baby to die naturally with no heroics.

My water started leaking on August 8th and Lucas Adam was born on August 9,03 at 36 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs and 10 oz and was 17 inches long. He was beautiful! With a cap on he looked like any other baby. He looked like us. He was our baby. He lived for 45 min and died peacefully in his daddy's arms. Unfortunantly the kids didn't get there in time to see him alive. Believe it or not but his birth was joyful as any birth is. There was just as much joy as sorrow. He stayed over night with me and I put him in his little casket and left the hospital the next morning.

On a clear sunny day we buried Luke at a family only service. The kids each put something special in his casket and let off balloons to go to heaven for him to play with. They had a great time seeing who's got there first!

Now 8 months later we still talk about Luke. He is one of our family...he is just in another place right now. He brought so much with him and left it with us. Our faith has grown to a hard steady core of being. Our children know that we will do for them what we did for Luke. Our church and community were also deeply affected by Luke's short life. He is the one child I will never have to worry about...he is safe in God's arms and watching over us. Carrying Luke was the hardest and best thing I have ever done. I would do it again if I had to but Please God I don't want to have too! To those starting their own journey, know that God is with you and there is joy as well as sorrow throughout. I, today, do not look back in regret.