If you found this story helpful, be sure to keep up with Cassidy on her own caringbridge pages, here

On February 14, 1998 (Valentine's Day!), a home pregnancy test confirmed that we were expecting our third child!! What a fun and unexpected surprise because we didn't think we would be able to have any more children because of infertility problems.

At 21 weeks, we had an ultrasound, just for fun to see if we were having a boy or girl. The excitement and anticipation of seeing our child for the first time was abruptly interrupted when the technician got a concerned look on her face and said, "I'm afraid there is a problem........ you're going to need to see a specialist today......there is too much fluid in the baby's brain......this could mean other problems......" The whole world came to a abrupt halt. What had she just said? Was I dreaming? Did she say something was wrong? What could be wrong? Could this really be happening to us? Please tell me what's wrong!!!!

Reality hit when I felt my own tears. Little did I know, they wouldn't stop for days. An incredible journey began in that dark, little room. A journey that caught us all by surprise and would take us places we never thought we would go.

Later that day, a perinatologist confirmed that our baby had hydrocephalus and spina bifida. He basically told us that our child could end up being a vegetable in a wheelchair. Retardation, no mobility, bowel & bladder problems, learning disabilities, financial devastation, marriage problems, too much for our other children to handle...he went on and on and on. I just wanted to scream---"Stop! Be quiet! I can't listen right now. It's too painful to let in. You can't throw all this at me at the same time!" But he kept going and going. The world kept caving in. He seemed to think it was his duty to warn us of the worst possible scenario and convince us that we needed to terminate the pregnancy. We kept insisting that we would never abort, but that didn't seem to sink in for him. He kept pressuring us. After a painful amnioscientisis, my husband and I literally had to pick ourselves up off the ground and then walk out the door in what seemed like slow motion. What do we do now? What are we supposed to feel now? How do we just get in our car and drive home? The world is going on like normal for all these other people bustling about, but our world stopped a few hours ago. How do we explain this to our kids, our family, friends, everyone we know? We don't even understand what just happened!

During the next few days, several spina bifida websites provided much information that was invaluable to us as we learned about spina bifida and the realities we would be facing. We read beautiful letters from parents, saw pictures of darling children and all of a sudden, things didn't seem so dark and scary. These kids were very normal looking and the parents were so encouraging. There seemed to be such a wide variety of outcomes for these kids----and a lot of it was positive!! We didn't have to fill our minds with the doctor's negative words. We could have hope!! We grabbed that hope with every bit of strength left in us.

So now, two years later, it's time for us to tell Cassie's story and hopefully encourage other parents and families as they face a tough diagnosis, but a wonderful future!!

Three days after the diagnosis, I awoke sobbing from a fitful sleep. But amazingly, these were not tears of fear and sadness anymore. I sensed a new peace in my heart. God had finally answered my prayers for acceptance of our situation. I realized at that moment, that I would not change our daughter for the world. I loved her deeply, just the way she was. She and God had already changed us so profoundly and she wasn't even born yet. I couldn't wait to meet her and I knew, without a doubt, that He would give us the strength to get through whatever was ahead. What a wonderful feeling!! I got up at 6am and wrote my daughter this poem:

Cassidy Anne,

Do you know that Daddy & Mommy love you?

We heard news from the doctor this week that at first was hard to bear.

But God is filling our hearts with peace and comfort.

He will be here with our family as we welcome you into this world.


Do you know how long we have prayed for you?

We have ached for a new baby to love and cherish.

God chose you and His perfect timing to bless our lives.

We count it a special honor to be entrusted with your care & blessed by your love.


Do you know that we can't wait to hold you?

We are anxious for the day when they lay you in our arms.

We will never let you go.

You are a most precious gift from God, who picked you to be in our family.


Do you know that God made you special?

He fashioned your body and mind with a reason and a purpose.

He gave you a beautiful heart, unique personality and precious spirit

that will help you overcome any limitations here on earth.


Do you know that I treasure your every move inside of me?

In the midst of tears, you nudge me and remind me you're still here.

We will not let the sadness overwhelm our joy of you.

We will not let the fear hide our anticipation of watching His plan unfold.


Do you know that Josh & Jamie can't wait to meet you?

They talk of you and pray for you every day.

They want to hold you and teach you and make you giggle.

You're blessed with a wonderful brother & loving sister to protect and watch over you.


Do you know that we will always take care of you?

No matter what the future holds.

We will do everything we can to help you, provide for you, support you and love you.

No mountain is too high. No handicap is too hard.


Do you know how many lives you have already touched?

So many prayers are flowing towards heaven, just for you.

Your life is so important and will teach us so much about Him.

You will light up our lives by your mere presence and smiles.


Do you know that God is saving a warm place for you on His lap?

As you come into this harsh world, the feel of His touch and the songs of the angels

will slowly fade from your memory.

But someday you will run into Jesus' arms once again and He will make you whole forever.


With all my hope and love,

Mommy

6/13/98


The next three months were not easy, but it gave us time to prepare our hearts for what was ahead. I had a lot of pain and contractions. I tried not to be stressed about every little detail during the rest of the pregnancy, but I was fearful of premature labor and the fact that this baby moved so much less than my other kids did. I discovered that when everything was out of my control, the only thing I could do was hand it over to God. He would have to take care of her, because I didn't know how. It was good to have time to do research, read books about SB, write in my journal, etc... Early in September, my doctors became concerned about the fluid increasing in her head and at 33 weeks, they decided to deliver her by C-section to prevent serious brain damage. We had a couple days to prepare for her arrival. Here we go!!

Cassidy Anne was born at 8:26am on September 9, 1998. She was 5 lbs, 10 oz. (although she lost a whole pound of fluid in the first few days) and she looked just like her brother and sister. It was so wonderful to fall in love with her sweet little face! She was no longer just the vague and scary concept of a "serious birth defect". She was a precious, fragile little being that needed our help desperately to survive and thrive. Even though it was so hard to let her go after they let me hold her for a minute, I almost felt relieved that she was finally in a position to be helped by professionals. They would take the best care of her. I needed them to help her before I could ever care for her. Someday Cassie, someday you'll be back in my arms and I'll never let you go!

She had surgery to close the lesion on her back and put in her VP shunt at 4pm that day. It lasted three hours and went very well. Her lesion was at L3-L5 and they noticed her legs were kicking a little. She had severe clubbed feet, with the left foot being the worst. Her head was very swollen with fluid, but the doctors assured us that it would go down eventually and we would hope for the best ---no brain damage!

The first few days were tough. She was completely sedated, lying on her stomach with her head to the side to protect her shunt. She couldn't open her eyes. She couldn't squeeze our fingers. A ventilator was helping her breathe and she was hooked to a ton of tubes. But she was alive. She was breathing. She would get through this. So would we, somehow.

Five days later, we were able to hold her finally!! The world stood still as the warmth of this precious baby flooded my soul. I love you Cassidy! I can't wait to tell you that and look deep into your eyes to show you. But for now, this will have to be enough. For now, this will do.

She spent the next four weeks in the hospital. She had healed well from surgery, but was now dealing with prematurity issues. She needed to grow and learn how to eat on her own. It was a tough time that seems like a blur now. Trying to be with her as much as possible, yet still spending time each evening with our older children was a real interesting feat. My mom came from California to live with us for 5 weeks to enable us to keep up with it all. We could not have done it without her!

We brought Cassie home on October 6, 1998!! What an incredible feeling to finally be under the same roof as a family! Cassie's big brother Josh (8 yrs old) and big sister Jamie (4 1/2 yrs old) couldn't wait to start loving on her!

Well, to make a long story short, Cassidy Anne is the perfect addition to our lives. Three years ago, when we were told we'd never have another child, I didn't feel that our family was complete yet. But it became complete, the day I wrote Cassidy her poem and welcomed her into my heart, no matter what.

This is what we have learned the last two years: This journey of life, that we all are travelling, is not easy sometimes. As we grow up, we imagine a "perfect life"......we don't imagine that anything really tough will come our way. Financial troubles, children born with birth defects, marriage problems, health issues, or the death of a loved one aren't a consideration as we dream of our future. Those things happen to "other people", not us. Then when life throws us a "curve ball", our world can seem to come crashing down around us. And it really does........for a time. I believe that God, in His infinite wisdom, gave us a wide range of emotions to help us deal with this life we are given. He never promised us it would be easy, but He promised to help us through. It's okay to allow ourselves to feel the incredible sadness, heart-wrenching grief, loss, confusion, anger and fear that accompanies tough, gut-wrenching times in our life. Slowly, but surely, we will work through those feelings and get to the other side. It may be a long process and there will be a load of tears along the way. We've been there, we know. It's not fun, but it is necessary. There is a sunrise after the storm!!! But you have to open your eyes to see it! There is acceptance, peace, anticipation, laughter and true joy on the other side of the fog and confusion. Hopefully, we will all be better people because of our struggles. I hope we will care more, love deeper and laugh harder because we will appreciate the "good stuff" we are given. Please know that whatever you are facing, whatever "curve ball" life has thrown you, YOU WILL MAKE IT!! You will survive, you will even thrive! Thank you for reading our story and sharing in the joy of our gift, Cassidy Anne